Responsibility FOR and TO
by Andrew Bryant
Executive Coach and Leadership Trainer
Do you sometimes feel frustrated when someone is clearly doing something that dis-empowers them? Or do you often feel hurt by what others do?
If the answer is "yes" to either of these, chances are you have been feeling responsible FOR other people. Last month's article was about the leader as coach, this month we consider an aspect of self-leadership; responsibility and relationships. Relationships with; loved ones, friends, colleagues, employees, bosses, etc.
When we are in a relationship, we feel connected at some level and that connection can cause us both pleasure and pain.
A key component of self-leadership is clarity about how these connections work. Let's start with you - can you think? Of course you can, so whose thoughts are they? Yours of course!
Can you feel? Do you have emotions? If you are human then the answer is "yes". So my next question is whose thoughts are they? Yours of course!
Why then is it that people say stuff like, "She makes me angry" or "My boss makes me feel inferior"?
When people make statements like these, they have given away the control of their thoughts and feelings. This is very common because we have been conditioned to feel responsible FOR other people in our lives when in fact relationship is about responsibility TO. When we are responsible for something it means we have some obligation. Step back for a moment and realise that the only person you have responsibility for, is yourself.
Now at first reading, this statement can sound extremely selfish and yet it is just reality. If you are responsible FOR your thoughts and feelings and the other people in their lives are responsible for their thoughts and feelings, then taking responsibility for how other people think and feel is crossing a boundary.
What makes this easier to understand is being clear about our responsibilities TO'. In my relationship with my wife, I am responsible to her for certain agreements we have made as man and wife. Very soon we will be parents and we will be responsible to a child, in terms of providing food, shelter, safety an education etc... But we will not be responsible FOR what our child thinks and feels - she will learn to think and feel for herself.
When I am coaching or training, I am responsible TO my client to provide my fullest attention and professional skill, I am not responsible FOR how they think or feel; they can do that themselves, and after coaching and training have greater awareness on how to do it.
Your relationships have an explicit or tacit agreement about how you are responsible TO that person. As an employer you may have responsibility TO your staff to provide leadership, training, coaching and the opportunity to make a wage. As an employee you have a responsibility TO your employer to contribute your time and talent towards achieving the mission, vision and values of the employer's organisation.
So if you have felt dis-empowered by someone or felt overly responsible, revisit the situation and ask yourself, "Who did I feel responsible for?" and "What was I responsible to?"
By establishing clear boundaries about what we are responsible For and To, we live life with emotional intelligence and empower others to do the same.
So next time you are tempted to feel responsible for somebody else, smile and remind yourself you are only responsible for your thoughts and feelings, then check to what extent, if any you are responsible to this person. Trust me, it helps :)